HUH?

Totally how i felt after just finishing up my second round of lectures for my Pilates Teacher Training program.

I am surrounded by all these amazing people who ask these pro-found questions, speak this magical anatomical language and whose bodies move in this beautiful arrangement of bones and muscles under skin, and then some where over in the corner wrapped up in her frustrated tight lil body is me. Now I know this sounds very self deprecating but hey truth is truth and feelings are feelings , right? I have been practicing Pilate's for what? four months now and at first because my body was so new to me it was like an exciting ball of wonder opening up every time i had a session. Four months in, that's exactly what i am IN. In my body to the point where every move i make consumes me. Where are my bones here? when i walk what are my toes doing? where is my head? how am i breathing? should i be doing this? could this make this better? etc.. you get the picture. I have never felt so completely self involved as i do right now.Self Involved. Good thing? Bad thing? or is it a thing at all? Perhaps i should  change my words "self involved" to awareness, or mindfulness... after all the mind is powerful how we perceive something makes a huge impact on how we react to that something, oh bother.

I believe in this practice so much. I have seen the meaning behind the exercises that Joseph Pilates created to help us all lead healthier , happier, more fulfilled lives and I want it, ewww I want it bad, but it is the hardest thing I have taken on since , well since ever. Even all the tears I shed on the beach while learning to surf, just getting myself out past the break doesn't even cut into this cake. Surfing happened for me after a year of crying , getting back out there, getting broken down, and swimming out again, it came to me and changed my life, pilates is now my surfing.

They say the things that are worth it never come easy, or something like that, well darn if it isn't true. I have finally come to place where I have allowed myself to love again, after re finding the self love i needed to move on from a painful past. Now is where all the love unfolds accepting of love, imperfections and finding the strength to carry it on, in every aspect of my life and in yours. Walking away is easy but what do you get? Emptiness. Patience and persistence are harder but what is gained? Everything!

At the end of the day though, really and truly all you have to do is BREATHE. My very good friend reminded me of this after a very hard last day. My bitch hiccup was lasting way to long so we hopped on the reformer and after breathing through the first five exercises i was able to stand up and be me, and just be with acceptance that this is where i am right now, and its okay. So ill say it again because its important. At the end of the day, JUST BREATHE.

so many quotes come to mind, but there is only one word I need PERSEVERANCE.

Hannah Lioness in Training

BELLY

I stopped to observe a squirrel on my walk home today, oh how badly I wanted to be that squirrel. Observing it at a fairly close distance, I could tell it was happy bouncing around the tree squatting in a sunny bark patch checking me out as I checked it out. I cant tell you for sure maybe it was the rough lesson i had just gone through, or the fact that I feel like a mole these days, but I felt jealousy for that nut chaser.

Ah yes, the rough lesson. I have been practicing on the regular since the end of October, Pilates I mean. I came in with a body strong and smart but not very connected. One of my weakest findings or connections I will better state is my abdominals. Looking at my abdominals I dont think you would think i am weak in that area but its all superficial strength the real strength comes from deep within.  I have a hard time getting there and its mostly because my breathing habits have been how shall i say it...productive to the utilization of reaching deep.

The motion inhale draw the rib cage up and out fill the cavity with air, exhale keep the ribs in place squeeze the air from the lungs every drop as if your wringing out a sponge, naturally the ribs will be pulled down, not in down and the organs will be squeezed like the end of the toothpaste tube up underneath the ribs. While this breathing pattern is going on you are moving in and out of the exercises Joseph Pilates formulated for us to begin our transformation into a uniformly developed body, ITS FLIPPING HARD!  Funny enough too the simpler the move the harder the inner body works and finding connections is some of the hardest brain work i have done to date.

My teacher and I worked on my belly and breathing allot today and what I discovered in myself is that I feel allot above and below my belly but when it comes to feeling my mid section its hard, its a hard numb platform. So my amazing teacher gave me some homework from this day forward I am my belly. My thoughts will be formulated from my belly not my brain, my vision is from my belly, not my eyes, i feel, move,and breathe my belly. 

Irony

Funny enough the day after my last post about control, i was tried by the universal court.

The next morning i was feeling run down, pre-menstraul, and my nose was itching. Everything went astray. My bike tires were flat, people honked at me, the bart was crowded and sneezing, the bus was complicated and late, and I actually shed tears on the bus, nothing was in my control and I just wanted it all to be perfect. After, shedding my tears, I exited the bus, hopped on my bike and started laughing as I pedaled towards to my class. After all what am I to do?

When feeling trapped and unmoving in your daily life, try this. Turn your face to the sun and breath deeply, then relax your shoulders and ground your feet.
We are like the flowers, delicate and proud all we have to do is let go and there will be new ground to be opened.